So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
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