nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
