at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
