I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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