Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
