Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
