see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize