my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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