Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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