my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
