Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
