i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
