if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
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