just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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