I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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