My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
