i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Boobs speak an international language.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
