I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
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