With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
i am craving dick and cupcakes
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
