don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Randomize
