Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
