Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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