Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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