Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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