so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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