she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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