Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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