good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
