my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
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I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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