Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Randomize
