I am spending my child support on dildos
My cat gives me a boner
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
