Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
