I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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