I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
