if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
