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She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
