it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
