I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
