Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Randomize
