No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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