I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
