She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
