You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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