It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.