i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
