the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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