If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
