So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
