He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
