i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
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