his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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