also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
