I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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