I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Randomize
