so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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