it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
