"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
