yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
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In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
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Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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